To Share or Not to Share

To share, or not to share, that is the question. I would guess that all of us who experience chronic pain have had people ask us for details either on our condition or on how we were doing with it. In my experience, some are truly interested, but many are asking because they think it's the polite thing to do. In reality, they are not interested. It can be easy to spot the difference, and when it is, it makes our replies easy. More difficult is encountering a person who says they are interested, really, really they are, but at the same time they don't want to hear about it.

I have a relative who would repeatedly ask me for details both on what I was experiencing physically and on how I was doing with that experience. Naively, I would proceed to divulge how things were going. That is, until I noticed that, inevitably, later in each conversation, she would tell me I shouldn't complain to people. Hmmm. That was curious, particularly since I felt no need to discuss it with her. I decided to consciously skirt the topic in every conversation we had. When it came up, I switched the subject or made some noncommittal remark. We had some lovely conversations and I didn't hear anything about my "complaining." Then one day, she pointedly asked me for an update. In as few words as possible I gave her one and went on to other things. Again, it was a good conversation. I seemed to have solved the puzzle of dealing with this particular person. For whatever reason, she either didn't want to hear, or wasn't comfortable hearing, about my experience even though she had persistently asked me to talk about it. Freeing her of that burden, which she couldn't seem to do herself, freed us to proceed with a good relationship.

This example is a bit unusual. Yet, it does serve to make a point. Just because we experience chronic pain, that doesn't mean it is fair game in conversations. Not everyone is interested, but even when they are, not everyone can handle it gracefully. If we feel the need to talk about it, it is productive to have a trusted person or people with whom to do that. In any other case, we are free to converse on all the wonderful topics there are that make for good conversation. Instead of possibly awkward situations, we can simply enjoy the company of other people.