We Do Our Best

I just finished watching The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It's an interesting story and, in my view, a good one. For me the takeaway was something Judi Dench said, "We get up in the morning. We do our best. Nothing else matters." Truer words were never spoken!

We've come to expect things like satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment as part of our rights as human beings. The reality is that while those things are nice, nothing is guaranteed. We may do our best and still have to deal with unpleasantness. Even if we know on one level that life is not fair, that concept can be hard to assimilate. So, when life is not fair to us, we balk.

The beauty of the quote is that we still have something precious even when things don't turn out our way. We have our inner strength, our integrity, and our character. The satisfaction that comes from holding ourselves to high standards is immense. Being able to look in the mirror knowing that we have done our best no matter the outcome is a gift only we can give ourselves. With it comes a freedom that cannot be had any other way, no matter where we go or how far we travel.

If you're dealing with chronic pain, whether emotional or physical, you may do everything in your power to eradicate it and not succeed. If that happens and you continue to do your best every day, you will become quite an amazing person.

Space in the Middle

Life is great when it seems like all the pieces are falling into place. It's just rolling along and it feels good. To be in that place can feel especially good when you have issues in your life such as chronic pain. When it all comes together it feels as though life has balanced out a little. What's not to like?

Then there can be times when it's a little off balance. A couple of things go wrong, but you're still on top of it. It's not as great as the best, but it's not too bad either. Pile on a couple of more things going wrong and it's not looking so good. A few more things going wrong and you're like someone trying to stop the dam from bursting all by yourself.

A natural tendency in that worst scenario is to resist. Fight it all and fight most of all against the fact that it is happening. However, that actually uses up a lot of energy. You're going to deal with each thing and each thing is going to take as long to resolve as it takes. Stopping for a moment and acknowledging that you're in the midst of a mess can be a good thing. This is part of life for pretty much everyone from time to time. Taking a good look around and saying, 'Well, here I am in the middle of it,' can be like taking a breath. It opens up space to regroup and in that space is energy, fresh energy to calmly tackle the next thing in front of you. Before you know it, that pile of things you have to deal with is lower. Over time it disappears and you're back in a good space, loving life.

In the midst of a mess, know you're in a mess, take a breath, make some space, find a smile, and keep going!

Getting to 'Eureka!'

Little kids love to learn. Joy and delight are found in every accomplishment from learning how to go up stairs to mastering buttons. It's all about the fun of the moment and the happiness of new moments. We could take a page from their book when it comes to adjusting our lives as our circumstances change. In order to do this we may have to change our thinking.

NPR recently had a great article on the differences in how Japanese and American students are taught. Turns out the big difference is that Americans are taught they are either smart, in which case they should get everything easily, or not smart, in which case they won't. Japanese students are taught that anyone can persist. And persist they do with excellent results. They may fail over and over, yet they continue to try. No ego involvement here, just the grit to keep at it until, 'Eureka!' the skill is learned.

It can be tough in our culture to lose the ego and embarrassment that can be attached to 'not knowing.' This is true whether the 'not knowing' involves new technology, new social dynamics, or new ways of navigating to compensate for pain. But there is a path forward. Take one part joy, one part persistence, one part toss out the ego, and there you have the perfect recipe for getting from 'not knowing' to 'Eureka!'

Self-Monitoring

Self-monitoring is a somewhat rare, yet critically important skill. This is true for anyone, but especially those of us who deal with chronic pain. Have you ever found yourself in the midst of some activity you love, only to realize that you are tiring yourself out? You know you should have quit an hour ago, but it's so much fun! The reality is that it would have been better to quit while you were ahead. Playing now can mean that you will end up paying later.

The value of self-monitoring applies to most other aspects of life. How much should we say to others and when should we keep quiet? What dreams are worthy of pursuit and what are just distractions? Improving on our ability to self-observe and self-regulate is a sound investment of time. It will stand us in good stead in many areas, especially with regard to health.

There are so many aspects of good health. Nutrition, exercise, and outlook are just a few of the factors that make up our total health. The more we self-observe and make good judgments about our actions, thoughts, and feelings, the better this total picture will be.

Happiness in Healing

Sometimes healing turns up in the most unexpected places. It can seem like a bad thing when someone comes to us to strongly disagree with something we have done or said. In fact our brains are wired to resist being open to such a situation. However, if we can quiet that part of our brain for a moment and calmly listen, we may see a point . . . or not. Either way the listening itself is healing to the relationship. A response that is likewise calm is healing as well.

Perhaps the result of such an exchange is an agreement to disagree. Still, the calm process, respectful listening, and thoughtful replies create a positive energy. Being listened to and listening fosters mutual respect and opens the door to further understanding and a wider perspective.

This type of healing is very important to those of us with chronic pain. Emotional well-being has an enormous effect on physical well-being. The better we relate to those around us, the happier and healthier we will be.

Patience and Faith

It's wonderful to feel useful. How great it is to be productive and have that productivity be appreciated. Being useful serves others, of course, but it also serves oneself. Positive feelings flow from a knowledge of contributions made.

In the movie Return to Me, Carroll O'Connor is asked if he wants help as he finishes up a night's work. He replies, '. . . not at all. I'm blessed with work.' One of my college professors lectured us on all the benefits of work to the mind and heart. She argued against the prevailing view in our culture that work is drudgery or a necessary evil. She expanded on all the ways that work, whether paid or unpaid, is necessary to fulfill ourselves as individuals.

Of course, recently many people unfortunately have faced the daunting prospect of being without work with dire financial consequences. However, beyond financial fallout, not having valued work tends to lower our estimation of ourselves as valued people. This can be a particularly difficult spot to be in when it is the result of pain that prevents us from leading the active lives we wish to lead. Where is our value then? What's more, will we return to life as it was? Or, will we experience a life less engaged than we wish? If so, will we be able to find a way to engage differently?

Finding the value in drastically different circumstances is a challenge. More than anything it requires patience. This may entail patience in waiting for diagnoses or the results of hard work in physical therapy to manifest. It may involve patience in learning new skills or patience in curtailing some activities. Most important is patience with ourselves as we learn who we are in this new setting and what it holds for us.

Stories abound of people forced into a corner who emerged far better than they ever would have been had they not faced difficulties. It can be hard to hold on to the inspiration of those stories if you find yourself in the midst of similar circumstances. The best antidote is faith that you will emerge. Patience while you are there and belief that you are merely traveling through, not stuck in, your circumstances will serve you well. Breathe deeply and enjoy the scenery as you travel to your next destination.

Inspiration

There's nothing like an inspirational story to lift the spirits. These stories can have many forms. They may be about people who are extraordinarily kind, people who overcome obstacles, or people who dedicate their lives to others, just to name a few. Sometimes inspiration comes from a fresh look at what we take for granted. One of my favorite stories was told to me by a good friend who lived in a small town on the East coast. Though quite small, the town had a significant international population due to both a college and a military institution located there.

My friend has always loved the outdoors and one Saturday she planned to spend the afternoon at a local creek. It was typical for the town, grass, flowing water, trees, ducks, and picnic benches. My friend invited her new friend, a classmate who happened to be from Afghanistan, to come along. She could tell that her new friend didn't quite understand what the planned activity was, but agreed to go anyway. When they arrived at the creek, the girl from Afghanistan gasped and said, 'You live in paradise!'

I love this story. What a take on something we consider so ordinary! It lifts my spirits and brings a smile to my face every time I think of it. It has changed forever every moment I spend outdoors, and even those I spend near a window looking out onto beautiful scenery. I know in a new way how lucky I am to be where I am.

Perspective Can Change Your Life

Perspective can change everything. The view from the mountaintop is entirely different from the view to be had on the plains. Perspective can change pain as well. It can lessen pain. It can change how we experience pain.

I've never heard anyone more eloquent on this topic than Thanissaro Bhikku in the brief missive, Stop Shooting Arrows. I hope you will follow the link, it may change your life!

Put a Spring in Your Step

There's nothing like spring. The fresh air, chirping birds, and blooming flowers are gifts that nourish the spirit. Wouldn't it be great if we could have that springlike feeling all the time? It's actually not out of reach. We can put a song in our hearts and a spring in our steps even on a cold winter day.

The best way I know to get that springtime feeling is to be here now. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, stop. Breathe in. Look around. When we really know where we are, it's amazing! The beautiful sky is there for anyone to look at. Trees spring right up out of the ground. We whirl through vast space! The wonder of the world is there every moment. It's in the moments we notice it that we are filled with wonder.

It's easy to get caught up in the details of life, especially if one of those details is chronic pain. And, sure, we have to pay attention to those details. But for a moment, we can pay attention to where we are, to the air that we breathe, to the wonder that surrounds us, to the magic of it all.

Lighten Your Load

It makes sense to do everything we can do to lighten our load. Why would we allow anything to weigh us down if we didn't have to? Yet, many of us carry around burdens that we could put down. Anger can be one of those burdens.

Culturally, anger can seem like a good thing. We can see ourselves as defenders and believe that anger is necessary in that role. In addition many of us believe that anger can be cathartic. Some therapists even recommend getting angry in order to release it. Unfortunately, as it turns out, that is an exercise that most often backfires, leading to an increase, not a decrease, of anger.

Buddhism takes quite a different view of anger. From this perspective it is seen as a virulent poison that can be transmitted from one person to another. Those not familiar with this view often take issue with it, equating it with weakness and/or apathy. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is possible to feel quite strongly about something, up to and including defending someone from harm without having a heart filled with anger. In fact, losing the anger often clears the head. This allows one to act from an even stronger, more grounded position.

One of the best books I've read on the subject is Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh. In it he discusses the anger that can occur on many levels from anger between a couple to anger between and among societies. Most importantly, he discusses how to put anger down.

This topic is worth some thought. If we can put anger down, and remain strong and effective, why wouldn't we do that? How nice to live a life that is lightened!

Free Your Spirit

The freer our spirit is, the freer we are to deal with chronic pain, or whatever other challenges we may face. Fortunately, freeing the spirit requires no adjustment in our circumstances. We don't have to move, change jobs, or partners to gain this sort of freedom because it is gained by looking within.

Freeing ourselves of the burdens we carry can start with some inner adjustments. There are two books that I have found extremely interesting when viewed in this light. The first is Lying by Sam Harris. Perhaps I was attracted to this book because years prior to reading it, I'd committed to not lying, not even those little white lies that seem to part of the fabric of our social lives. This does not mean I'd committed to being mean, as in 'that makes you look terrible.' Rather, I searched for and found ways of telling the truth while remaining equally committed to kindness. I was amazed at the freedom this afforded me. No worries about what I might have said to whom. I hadn't made a practice of lying prior to this time. Yet, still it was as if a fresh breeze blew through my life leaving me feeling lightened and free.

The second book I am currently reading. It is Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. This is a look at why, once we've done something not so smart, we are inclined to dig our heels in and stick with it. In fact, our brain chemistry promotes this. It takes understanding and sometimes courage to go in the other direction. It doesn't always feel easy to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I won't do it again." For some reason, we expect children to do this, but we tend to lose the habit as adults. Yet, how freeing it is, when appropriate, to say those words and move on. Burden released.

It would be hard to overestimate the impact of our inner life on our health and well-being. Our bodies and spirits are not separate entities. We are both and, so, one affects the other. Free your spirit and happily see the benefits that flow through your life!

Stop, Assess, and Adjust

Feeling overwhelmed? Life can present many challenges, as can chronic pain. There are times when we might feel the effects of these challenges without even knowing it. That is to say, we may feel stressed, irritated, tired, or cranky without accurately identifying the source of these feelings. Sure we may be busy with family, work, or other obligations, but what can really erode our resources like nothing else is pain. Little by little we find ourselves less and less effective until we reach a state of overwhelm.

How can this be prevented? To an outsider, it might be obvious that addressing pain is the key. Yet, the view from inside can be quite different. We may unconsciously hold ourselves to the same standard of performance as someone without pain, and then blame ourselves when we can't meet that standard. We may try to juggle too many balls in the air because we see what needs to be done rather that seeing what we ourselves need.

The antidote to this dilemma is self-analysis. This will help us determine early what the issue is so that we can address it. Self-analysis can be easier said than done. One way to get a good perspective on ourselves is to question what we would think if we saw ourselves as a character in a movie. Seeing a character attempting to accomplish all that needs to done while in pain, what would be the appropriate response? Would we empathize with the character, or not? The caveat is, of course, that we be honest in this imaginary scenario. If we are, it can help us to spot what our stressors are. Are we too busy? Would the load be just right if we didn't have pain? Would the load be too heavy no matter what? If the problem is pain, what are we going to do about addressing our pain first, so that we can proceed with everything else?

States of overwhelm are no fun. Nor, are they fun for those around us. As children we learn to 'stop, drop, and roll' if faced with fire. As adults, if we're spending all our time putting out fires, it's time to 'stop, assess, and adjust.'

Turn Your Frown Upside Down

Culturally we get the message that we should always be moving forward. It would be great if life really worked that way! Sometimes it does, but sometimes it's two steps forward and one step back. This can happen if we try something new only to find out that it's not a good solution and we must regroup. It's a little bit trickier if we learn that something we've committed to for a length of time is ultimately not good for us. This can be something physical like an activity, a food, or a food group. Or, it can be a relationship such as with a doctor.

It can happen that someone we really like and feel good about seeing just isn't helping us in the long term. Despite best intentions, the advice given is getting us nowhere and it's time to see someone new with a fresh perspective. It can be troubling that we've been spinning our wheels in a pretty important area. So, it can help to look on the bright side.

Whether we're talking about an activity, a food, a relationship, or anything else, there is always a bright side. That bright side is comprised of everything we've learned, as well as the positives along the way. Eliminating options frees us to pursue better ones. We now have data indicating something is unproductive and we never have to pursue it again. In the meantime, we've had experiences with others who have enriched our lives. Just because someone doesn't have all the answers, doesn't mean they contributed nothing and doesn't mean we have to write off the positives of the relationship. We are shifting our course without regretting the course we've taken to date.

Sure it can be frustrating to feel we've taken two steps back, but if we see the positives, we will see that we really are further along our path. Insight allows us to turn our frowns upside down.

Wiggle Room

Medical issues can provide situations where we feel we're between a rock and a hard place. What do we do when some of the pain we experience could be helped by certain activities, but those very activities would cause other pain we experience to increase? What do we do when a specific diet would improve our health, but we're allergic to the main components of the diet? These examples may sound farfetched. In fact, they are from real life.

So, what do we do when we're between a rock and a hard place? Search for wiggle room! Perhaps we can't fully do the activities that would really help us. Can we do some modification of them? Can we combine small movements from Qigong, T'ai chi, Yoga, or physical therapy? Maybe we can't get the full results we're looking for, but can we get some?

What do we do when we're allergic to foods that could be beneficial? Research, research, research. The answer may not readily reveal itself. That doesn't mean we won't somehow, in some way be able to address our health issues.

How easy it would be if life were simple! For those of us with chronic pain, life is already a bit more complicated than it would be otherwise. So it's time to be creative. It's time to persist.  And, when we really feel we're caught between a rock and hard place, it's time to wiggle!